


Rise of Onion: Ronaldo Gets his Ass Kicked 2: Electric Boogaloo

by sombreromoustache



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Black Comedy, Fights, Gen, Low-brow humor, Pentagram, Satanic Worship, Self-Insert, references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 06:06:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10691271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sombreromoustache/pseuds/sombreromoustache
Summary: Onion, in order to appease his master, resurrects Ronaldo so that he can use him to awaken the Cluster to destroy the world. Can the Gems stop him!





	Rise of Onion: Ronaldo Gets his Ass Kicked 2: Electric Boogaloo

After Ronaldo was killed in battle by Steven and sombrero, peace had finally come to Beach City. The sun was out, the food prices were reasonable, and the animation quality had finally gotten decent. At last, Mayor Dewey could brag that Beach City was completely douchebag free, when he wasn't riffing on movies with robots.

But not everyone was not a douchebag. There was one douchebag left in Beach City: Onion. Onion didn't talk so no one really gave a shit about him, despite numerous times he nearly caused the town's destruction. He wandered out of his home and headed toward the forest where apparently Frisk was there along with some baby, I don't know 'cause I don't watch garbage episodes.

Onion approached a cave where he conducted his secret rituals. The transmutation circle was damaged. He realized he needed to repair it. He turned to Frisk, the guy, and the baby all hanging by their arms, a sickening grin sprouting on his face as he pulled a demonic-looking knife from his pack.

With their blood he was able to create a new pentagram within the circle

This is turning out darker than what was intended.

Now that the pentagram was complete, he could commune with his master, the fallen angel; the Prince of Darkness; the Tempter of Humanity, Satan.

Satan's face appeared in a fire, "Ah, my most loyal subject, Onion. Your evil is an one hell itself would forsake."

Onion blushed.

"You are the mastermind behind the Black Plague, the Holocaust, 9/11, and you were the executive producer of the Nutshack. You truly are a being of pure evil!" Satan praised Onion.

Onion made that hand gesture that said, "Oh you."

"What is it you summoned me for?"

Onion held up a sign that outlined his plan, which Satan proceeded to read, "Wait. You plan to use the Cluster to destroy the world? And you need, Ronaldo? Who is Ronaldo?"

Onion presented a deviantart recreation of what Ronaldo looked like, "Ah yes, Ronaldo Fryman. A new addition to my legions. You wish for him to serve you in your plan?"

Onion nodded, "Very well. Your wish is now granted!"

Frisk and the other two closed their eyes as fire and brimstone opened from the earth, and a figure appeared out of the lava. It was... Ronaldo.

"FREE AT LAST! I'm back. And I'm alive! YES!" Ronaldo looked down at the diminutive child, "Oh, hey Onion! Why are you here?" Ronaldo turned around and saw Satan, "Oh my god! The dark lord!"

"I wish you luck in your plan, my subject. I will reward you with thirty legions of demons to command if you are successful," Satan promised him before disappearing.

Onion and the resurrected Ronaldo were alone together, "So, Onion. What did he say you were gonna do?"

Onion popped his neck as he pulled out another knife and a sign that read, "The hatred you absorb will give us strength."

"Us?" he quivered.

* * *

Steven, the Crystal Gems, and sombrero were all hanging out in the beach house. As it turned out, when sombrero wrote himself into the story, he did not write a way for him to leave the story, trapping himself within the world of Steven Universe. What did this mean for him?

He was Steven's roommate until he could find his own place to live.

"Remind me again how long you planned on staying here?" Garnet asked.

"Look, I don't have any cash and there's only like five places to work here, and not only am I not working at any of these places, they don't even pay well," sombrero explained while he and Steven played what was obviously an homage to Final Fight, "I will not go back to fast food, Garnet!"

Garnet gritted her teeth as she tried to avoid hitting sombrero in the head.

Suddenly it felt as though an earthquake was happening right next to them.

"What's going on?!" Pearl yelled as they left the beach house to see what was happening.

"Oh my god," Amethyst muttered as they gazed at the being that they were going to fight.

A giant kaiju monster was walking towards Beach City. A monster that pretty much looked like Godzilla except instead of those stubby arms, it actually had arms. And its head was the fusion of Ronaldo and Onion, Onion's stupid white hair sticking up with Ronaldo's stupid dreads at the sides of his head.

The fusion kaiju roared, "CRYSTAL GEMS! I WILL AWAKEN THE CLUSTER! THE HATRED OF RONALDO GIVES ME UNLIMITED STRENGTH!"

The Crystal Gems turned and glared at sombrero, "What? I lost all power to write the story when I inserted myself," he explained, "But he said something about the Cluster?"

"You don't think he's gonna try and wake up the Cluster?" Steven asked.

"YES STEVEN! I LITERALLY JUST SAID THAT!" Onionaldo roared.

"We need to stop him!" Garnet declared, "If the Cluster is awoken, the entire planet will be destroyed!"

The three Gems and Steven summoned their gem weapons, "Uh guys, normally I'm for going all out on monsters, but how exactly are we gonna fight that thing?" Amethyst asked worriedly.

"I know! I'll call Connie!" Steven was going in the right direction with his words, but the Gems still looked down in a, "gosh darn it, Steven," way.

"Peridot and Lapis could help us. But I don't think they'll be enough," Pearl noted, growing more and more nervous as Onionaldo slowly approached Beach City.

"Do you guys think we'll need Alexandrite?" Steven asked.

"There might not be any other choice," Garnet spoke, "If we wish to stop that thing, we need to bring everything we've got."

Steven turned to the fat nerd who had been watching Onionaldo's slow approach to Beach City, "Sombrero. I think we need your help with this."

Sombrero took a knee, bowing his head to the young man, "I can't Steven. I can't help you."

Most of the time, Steven would want to help someone with their problems, but right then with a kaiju approaching his home town, he had no time for this bullshit, "Why?"

"If I help you, Steven, then it would mean that you need my help, and that would make me seem like someone as strong as the Crystal Gems. In other words, that would turn me into a Marty Stu," sombrero spoke, the words choking him, "I won't become a Marty Stu, Steven. I can't."

While sombrero was going through a crisis, the Crystal Gems and Steven weren't impressed, "sombrero, you inserted yourself into my world so you could kill Ronaldo. You can cover your hands in blue fire," Steven listed off.

"Don't forget I have this Guitar Battle Axe!" sombrero pulled out an Ibanez STM3 that was strapped to his back. In case you are wondering, that is the guitar that Sam Totman, the guitarist for Dragonforce, uses.

Steven blinked in annoyance at the fat guy, "You're already a Marty Stu. You crossed that line a long time ago."

Sombrero rose from the sand and stared at the kaiju, "Very well, Steven. I'll help you, but on two conditions!"

Steven facepalmed, "What is it?"

"One, I want to see Lapis and Peridot make out,"

"That can be arranged," Garnet agreed just as the New Crystal Gems showed up.

"We heard what was going on! What can we do to help!?" Peridot exasperated while she gazed at the kaiju fusion.

Steven raised his thumb to them cheerfully before turning solemn to face sombrero, "And what's your second condition?"

"I want to become a Crystal Gem!" everyone facepalmed at sombrero's words.

Despite the ridiculousness of his demand, Steven relented, "Fine. If you help us and we somehow don't die, AND Beach City and the rest of the world doesn't get destroyed, you can become a Crystal Gem."

Sombrero raised his arms in victory, "YEAH YUH! Alright then, guys," sombrero unsheathed his guitar axe (defintion of self-indulgence:characterized by doing or tending to do exactly what one wants, especially when this involves pleasure or idleness), "We may die in battle, but we're gonna have the fight of our lives!"

For once, sombrero's words did not make the gems cringe. Instead it was somewhat inspiring. That inspiration turned into pumping when sombrero started shredding on a guitar!

PM me for my address if you want to murder me for this.

Steven and Connie fused into the Warrior Stevonnie, the sword of Rose in one hand, and Steven's shield in the other, summoning Lion as their noble steed.

Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst fused into the eldritch abomination known as Alexandrite, wielding like.. Three weapons in three sets of arms. Like she's got the bow from Opal, the weapon that Nicki Minaj used, and the hammer Sardonyx had. What was she gonna use to fight? Her fists.

Lapis and Peridot did not fuse. Why? Because there has not been a confirmation of what gem Lapis and Peridot's fusion would be. And even though the writer wrote himself into the story, he abhors OC characters. He also doesn't know the definition of double standards.

But Peridot, using her magnetism powers, summoned a bunch of metal and created herself a mech suit with herself at the center. And Lapis just got wings. 'Cause that's all she needs.

"Alright then Crystal Gems! ROCK OUT!" under any other circumstances this would be... Nah this is still pretty cringy, "But I got just one question."

"What is it now?" Alexandrite asked, patience nearly gone.

"If fusion is supposed to be a metaphor for sex, does this mean Onion and Ronaldo fucked?" sombrero asked the important questions.

The Crystal Gems ignored his 4chan-like mannerisms and took off across the water towards Ronaldion. Sombrero took the hint, tossed his guitar towards the ocean and jumped on it, making it a hoverboard.

Look that's pretty awesome if you ask me.

* * *

Onionaldo saw the four gems and the weeb coming for him, "So. You think you can delay this planet's destruction? Very well, you all can entertain me! As the apocalypse walks towards the barn!"

Thousands of missiles fired at the heroes of the earth. To defend Alexandrite, Stevonnie and sombrero deflected and sliced through them all effortless, and the explosions behind them created a nice effect.

Onionaldo was undeterred and breathed a wall of fire that was instantly doused by Lapis' hydrokinesis and Peridot packing fire extinguishers in her arsenal. The kaiju ripoff saw Alexandrite going towards its stomach where it would meet her fists. This triggered the abomination as it revved its right fist. Sombrero noticed this and turned to Stevonnie.

"I'm gonna go after his right hook!" he used all of the boxing terminology he knew from watching the first episode of Kill la Kill.

"OK! I'll go after his left fist!" Stevonnie answered back.

Sombrero jumped off his battle axe slash hoverboard, his fists once again catching with blue fire and connecting with Onionaldo's fist. Though sombrero had questionably OP powers, he still was not a superhuman (which really makes you wonder how he was able to jump several stories to met with a kaiju's fist), but there was one factor that they had not considered.

Onion had used the power of hatred that Ronaldo had absorbed from others, combining with their fusion created an ultimate power of destruction. Normally a fusion combines two gems/humans/human-gem hybrids into a being that's twice as powerful, and this was true, but this meant it was Ronaldo fused with some tiny kid. A tiny kid that caused every travesty over the last millennium, but still a kid. And Ronaldo is still pretty weak, despite what some Melon enthusiasts have to say. And while the power of the hatred towards Ronaldo was a great strength, it essentially made this kaiju the textbook example of a Glass Cannon. He has a sword that can smite worlds, but doesn't have a shield to protect themselves.

Sombrero and Stevonnie realized this as with only one attack from each of them was able to put his arms out of commission. And with the combined forces of Peridot's missiles, Alexandrite punching Onionaldo in the gut, and Lapis tripping him with water, the kaiju fell on his back.

"NO! IMPOSSIBLE! HOW CAN I LET MYSELF BE DEFEATED?! ESPECIALLY BY A CRAP,SELF-INSERTING, WEEABOO HACK!?" Onionaldo, weakened and now writhing in the water.

Lapis looked over to sombrero, "You're not going to refute that?"

"Huh? No, he's right," sombrero admitted, "So what do we do now? Do we wait for them to unfuse or do we just-

Remember that part of the Subspace Emissary where after Galleom got defeated by Lucas and Red, he grabbed them and sprouted a Subspace Bomb on his head? Well Onionaldo sprouted a bomb from his skull.

"FOOLISH CRYSTAL GEMS! IF I CANNOT ERADICATE THIS WORLD, THEN I WILL DECIMATE THE PRECIOUS BEACH CITY OF YOURS!" he laughed manically as the bomb in his head counted down from thirty seconds.

Stevonnie quickly thought of a plan, "Sombrero! Batter up!"

It took a moment before he internalized what they meant before he got into a position where he could "bat" Onionaldo.

Alexandrite understood what was going on and grabbed the kaiju by the tail, and began to spin him around like Mario did to Bowser in Super Mario 64, "This planet is under the protection of the Crystal Gems! I will not allow anyone to harm it or its people!" Alexandrite roared as she threw the abomination at sombrero.

Sombrero gripped his battle axe guitar and swung all of his strength into Ronaldion, "I must thank you though. Giving me the opportunity to fight Ronaldo again would have been more than enough, but the chance to fight Onion?! Why, this was simply the greatest thing that could have ever happened!" he cheered as he batted the kaiju into orbit.

From the earth, they saw the explosion in space, "Damn! That's enough to rival ten Tsar Bomba's. Man, I can just hear the Russians getting boners from that," sombrero jested.

"What's Russia?" Stevonnie asked.

Sombrero had forgotten the weird lore in Steven Universe because Rebecca Sugar had gotten triggered from Ruby with a mustache, "Nothing."

* * *

Back at the beach house, "Even though I really don't want to do this," Garnet began, gritting her teeth, "We did make a deal with you and. Guys c'mon, find a way we can stop him."

"We made a deal, and even though that was the easiest fight we've ever done," Pearl noted.

"If you helped us, we would make you a Crystal Gem," Steven stated.

"So yeah. You're a Crystal Gem now," Amethyst anti-climatically knighted sombrero a Crystal Gem.

Sombrero awkwardly blinked a few times, "Is there like a badge, or a shirt, or some jacket I should get? Or is this just, I'm in?"

"Don't push it," Garnet gritted.

"Well, thanks guys for letting me into your group. I know we have some ups and downs, but I'm sure we'll all get along just fine!"

This didn't fool anyone for a second, "You're getting a job," Pearl popped his bubble.

"Fine, but first!" sombrero started jamming to I Want To Rock by Twisted Sister. Somehow because he was strumming the guitar riffs, the rest of the song was playing with him. And it was awesome.

This did not impress the Gems, "I feel like we've made a huge mistake," Amethyst summed up their situation.

**Author's Note:**

> so... i probably deserve to get killed for writing this but... god damn was it a lot of fun to write. If I ever write a sequel to this, and I might, it would be the last of this trilogy.
> 
> Also Onion sucks. He's the worst character of this show. He tried to destroy Beach City and got no commupence for it. He's too creepy and he has nearly nothing redeeming about him. Like, he's creepy for the sake of being creepy.
> 
> Anyways, see ya'll on the flip side


End file.
